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201301: the past ten years…

looking back the past ten years… since i started at the tender age of 16years old to try new things and explore the world around me. So much has changed and passed…

3 relationships in the past 7 years taught me various life values. Encounter with people with deadly diseases at the age of 19years old also taught me things that are invaluable. Yet, through the past ten years, reflecting on this evening. How much have i learnt and gain?

Looking back, I had wasted alot of time. A time waster, no doubt that i learn to be daring and playful. Yet, i always overlooked the playful could lead to deadly disaster in the making if i was not careful.

I was very much shielded by the 3 people who i dated in the past…

the first that lasted a mere 3 months, taught me life was fragile, and not to break people’s heart… yet i failed and broke the person’s fragile heart…

the second at the age of 21… I learn to better manage my spendings yet i never took it up seriously. The day we parted after about 1 year, he went to further his studies. We never met again.

the thrid at the age of 22, half way through national service. Thought me how to appreciate family values and guided me the past 4 years through my army days into my working years how to deal with people and how to show self-less care for people around us. I too did not learn it well, always finding ways to find excuses and was often shielded. We had many trips together, spend good times together. We are still in touch, as business partners. But life moves on, since we both parted our ways.

As I moved on, i realise how much they had meant to me in some point in my life. Come to think of it, they taught me many valueable lessons in life. Things that i need to re-learn now to find back the balance in my life.

Moving forward, a recent meet up with a good ex-co worker of mine. The little time spend, through the past 4 years of which the first 2 were silent while the subsequent 2 were minimal contacts, shed some light on how fragile life was. And how playful i had been. Always being happy go lucky, not finding a real purpose to life neither to come to realize what hard ship was.

I was in the midst of floating through the good times only to realise suddenly that i’ve landed myself very close to another incident. As how someone put it to me, you two were too close to one another. Something struck me to keep a thin line distance. Which i did, for some reasons. He wasn’t too well. I too didn’t want to probe much. Only to realize that, he had his own secrets, which he doesn’t want to reveal. When i reflect on it, i realise how fragile life is. How much we had take things for granted. And how 10 years have passed since i stepped into the circle and i recall someone asked me…

“what if one day, you got HIV? What will you do?”

Indeed a good question asked without a good answer. To date, my answer could have been. Cherish what you have. In life, there is no U turn. If it was in the past, i would stare into blank space without an answer.

When i got to know of this from a friend, tears were rolling. Somehow, i knew i was crying deep inside. I felt the fear and the thought of losing someone. Yet then again, looking forward ahead, if there was something that we could do, maybe there is something which we can help with. But it might not be much.

Till now, i’m planning to sleep. Yet, i can’t. My mind is wide awake reflecting on my past actions and what i intend to do about it. It seems, i have a long road to work on it. Perhaps, an answer to my life destiny is to constantly help people who wants to be helped. But i must first be able to help myself before i can help others.

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