reflections: repression in life…

A week is passing by very quickly…. 3 days has just passed by since the last i met you on Sunday afternoon. It must have been weeks since we last met or communicated.

There is many things left unsaid from before. There are just too many questions i wanted to ask yet i did not ask you. For one i don’t know if what you answer me was what i would like to hear. Perhaps, i was running away. Running away from reality.

Through the session last Sunday, i saw through how dark my life has been. The past 27 years was filled with so much darkness, dirt and mud which i never once had given much thought over. Even worse, i have never seen myself so depressed before.

I took on my life very lightly, like what you said… a baby…

Life has got many challenges, yet i took on a deaf ear. I had always thought that the guys i dated, i love them. It turn out, they love me more than i did. They shower me with lots of care and love, yet what i gave in return was nothing more than being a demanding boy, i ate out a few times during my past 3 relationships. Its very sad that i have chosen to let go, yet they were more sad and hurt than i am. I was young, naive and thought that i had the best. Which i did, yet i hurt them even more than they could have imagine.

As i am typing this, i am crying deep inside. Tears flows down my cheek. How much youth, how much time has been wasted all these years on me. How much of their youth that time can no longer buy back. They have given me so much, yet i myself, have given them none, or more so alot of unwanted dirt. Which i have left behind for them to clean up, after i leave them in a mess. it is such an irony that i have done so much hard and damage that i did not realise. Its very sad, it aches my heart. It makes me rethink my life. How can i help myself, control my emotions, grow up and stand on my feet… I belive i already have my answers, but i need to make them work for me.

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